Life goals. Life
bucket lists. All good stuff, all things
I kept track of and still do. But, they’re
not necessarily what brings me the most joy.
I’ve come to realize this past year that even if I’ve worked really hard
for a long time to accomplish something, I don’t get much joy at reaching my
goal. It’s like how I feel about
cooking. It takes so much time to get
the end results that all the joy has been sucked dry. It’s very anti-climactic. I watched a youtube influencer mention
recently that it’s all about the process.
Enjoying the process brings more fulfillment than actually attaining that
goal. Therefore, it’s more important to
enjoy the process because you spend most of your time there. Enjoy the view out the window instead of
always asking, “Are we there yet?” Two
years ago, I resolved myself to stop spending so much time on youtube every
night. But, I never knew what to replace
my time with besides a vague idea to create more instead. Last year, I made a goal to read at least two
books a month, every month, for the entire year, in an effort to expand my
literary repertoire. Unexpectedly, this
goal made me spend less time on youtube.
I rediscovered my love of
reading. Most months I read way more
than two books a month, with maybe two months where I only read one book. But, the numbers weren’t really important by the time I reached my goal. Reading taught me more about what
motivated me and filled my creative tank per-say to want to do more.
Having a second child has been more difficult for me than expected. I was not prepared for the heartache of what literally felt like a breaking up or falling out with the love of my life: my first born. I had not read about this in any blogs, vlogs, or anything. I mean, I had read about the difficulty of managing your time between two kids, but no one mentioned how difficult it would be to step back from your obsession with your first and only child to love another. It did make me resent my time alone with Leila a bit in the beginning because that meant Ethan was off having fun with daddy while I was stuck at home sustaining a newborn. My first love was learning about a life beyond mama. It felt like knife wounds to the heart. This is how I came to realize what it really means to sacrifice. I willingly give up something that I hold so dear and close to my heart for the sake of someone else. It hurts and it is an uphill battle to try to make amends with those that feel wronged
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