peekie wu!

Before having children, I hated children.  I couldn’t understand them, and found them incredibly annoying.  I never gave a second thought to being a mom unlike some who aspire to be one their whole lives.  One day, I would become a mom after marriage and that would be that.  The only fact I knew for sure was that I definitely wanted to have more than one   child.  Being an only child, I recognized the importance of giving the gift of a sibling to my first. Approaching motherhood going on four years now with two babes has given me new perspective on what it’s all about. I’ve been asked before on the merits of becoming a mom or having children, and while it’s easy to complain about all the difficult parts, it has always been insurmountable to fully put into words the gravity or the magnitude of such a decision on my life.  Obviously, people say, children bring such joy and a newness to life that you have left behind in your childhood or forgotten, but that just barely covers it

Having a second child has been more difficult for me than expected.  I was not prepared for the heartache of what literally felt like a breaking up or falling out with the love of my life: my first born.  I had not read about this in any blogs, vlogs, or anything.  I mean, I had read about the difficulty of managing your time between two kids, but no one mentioned how difficult it would be to step back from your obsession with your first and only child to love another.  It did make me resent my time alone with Leila a bit in the beginning because that meant Ethan was off having fun with daddy while I was stuck at home sustaining a newborn.  My first love was learning about a life beyond mama.  It felt like knife wounds to the heart.  This is how I came to realize what it really means to sacrifice.  I willingly give up something that I hold so dear and close to my heart for the sake of someone else.  It hurts and it is an uphill battle to try to make amends with those that feel wronged

My focus in life has shifted from the prescribed get a good job, excel at your job, and do well path to becoming the best mom I can be.  I’d hate to say my priorities has changed and I've fallen into the stereotypical male/female roles that society has dictated – especially in this current social climate.  It’s more of a shift in perspective in that my children only have me.  I am their first teacher and their biggest champion.  My job has thousands of people to support the organization.  My job can go on without me.  My children cannot.

Life goals.  Life bucket lists.  All good stuff, all things I kept track of and still do.  But, they’re not necessarily what brings me the most joy.  I’ve come to realize this past year that even if I’ve worked really hard for a long time to accomplish something, I don’t get much joy at reaching my goal.  It’s like how I feel about cooking.  It takes so much time to get the end results that all the joy has been sucked dry.  It’s very anti-climactic.  I watched a youtube influencer mention recently that it’s all about the process.  Enjoying the process brings more fulfillment than actually attaining that goal.  Therefore, it’s more important to enjoy the process because you spend most of your time there.  Enjoy the view out the window instead of always asking, “Are we there yet?”  Two years ago, I resolved myself to stop spending so much time on youtube every night.  But, I never knew what to replace my time with besides a vague idea to create more instead.  Last year, I made a goal to

I create my own happiness.  This is the mantra I keep telling myself.  I have to keep reminding myself of this because It’s so easy to let circumstances and the outside world dictate whether or not I had a good day, week, or year.  It’s true that stuff happens to you, but what reveals your character is how you respond and stand back up.  I also keep in mind that to expect a new result out of doing the same thing is crazy.  If I want a different result, I have to change what I do.  I have to set myself up for success.  I have to create opportunities for stuff to happen that will make me happy.  E.g.  Not fitting into my jeans makes me sad.  I can continually be sad about it as I have extra desserts and say I don’t have time to exercise.  Or, I can sign up for my gym at work and find half an hour breaks to do something active.  I can hire a personal trainer to keep me accountable, which is necessary for how I work.  I can start meal planning to inject more veggies and lessen carbs.  If

Sure, it’s great being an only-child with all the stickers I could ever want and a top-of-the-line computer with games galore.  But, nothing can replace having a sibling that although you may not always see eye to eye with, will most likely be the longest relationship you have in life.  A sibling will share the same core beliefs instilled into you from your parents, and will still be there through every failed heartbreak or career failure.  This is why I knew I always wanted to have at least two kids.  I love having one of each: a boy and a girl so I can see what a difference it is to raise them.  But, I also secretly always wanted to have two girls.  To see a sisterhood grow over the years would have been so fulfilling because I had always wanted a sister myself.  Maybe a third baby?  Nah, I’m not crazy.