1 + 1 = X_X

After bath shenanigans

Going from one child to two has got to be the toughest in my opinion.  Lucas thought going from 0 to 1 was more shocking since everything was so new and different.  But, for me, I knew that my whole life would be turned upside down once we had a child, so I had zero expectations.  It's not that I had expectations this time around, but we already had certain patterns and established relationships as a family of three.  I loved being Ethan's mom.  Although he drove me insane with his tantrums, I relished picking out his clothes, dressing him, brushing his teeth, bathing him, and especially, putting him to bed with books and lullabies.  I wanted to be there for him at the start and end of his days.  I wanted to be able to anticipate his every thought and desire before he needed to express it.  I wanted to be the best mom I could ever be.


Shortly before Leila was due, about a month or two out, I realized that I needed to start letting go.  I needed to start letting him be more of a "big boy" by becoming more self-reliant.  This would make it easier on me, Lucas, but more importantly, it was necessary as part of his natural development in life - as natural as learning how to walk.  In retrospect, I feel like this was the beginning of the heartbreak.  We had to start doing hard things as we went through these growing pains.  Once Leila arrived, I couldn't take care of Ethan like I used to because I was caring for and nursing Leila.  It was the hardest when Ethan would cry for me at night because he missed mama.  I felt a bit detached from Leila during this time because while she had all the newborn demands, she was not really needing me emotionally.  Meanwhile, her brother had what felt like ALL the emotional needs of the entire world.  It definitely felt like a falling out with my first love.  To the little boy that made me a mom, I had to put his sister's needs before his and surrender his care to his dad.  Lucas is always an amazing dad, but it was less about him, and more about how distant I felt because I couldn't do what I used to do for Ethan.


Over time, I'm trying to find ways to tip toe closer to what we had before.  We had a mommy & son date to watch monster trucks in the biggest stadium in town.  I took him to special parks and desserts when we were back in LA visiting grandparents.  Every day, I'm trying to recognize those little pockets of time where I can be silly with him on the floor or chase him in a race.  His love language is definitely quality time, just like his mama.  Perhaps the more I can connect with his heart and fill our happy tanks, the more I can build our relationship to be even greater than what it used to be.  All I can ask of myself is to take it one day at a time.  Plan the adventures, and hope that he remembers this time as not being in Leila's shadow, but that his mama chose him and will always be his #1 fan.