Skip to main content

1 + 1 = X_X

By
After bath shenanigans
Going from one child to two has got to be the toughest in my opinion.  Lucas thought going from 0 to 1 was more shocking since everything was so new and different.  But, for me, I knew that my whole life would be turned upside down once we had a child, so I had zero expectations.  It's not that I had expectations this time around, but we already had certain patterns and established relationships as a family of three.  I loved being Ethan's mom.  Although he drove me insane with his tantrums, I relished picking out his clothes, dressing him, brushing his teeth, bathing him, and especially, putting him to bed with books and lullabies.  I wanted to be there for him at the start and end of his days.  I wanted to be able to anticipate his every thought and desire before he needed to express it.  I wanted to be the best mom I could ever be.


Shortly before Leila was due, about a month or two out, I realized that I needed to start letting go.  I needed to start letting him be more of a "big boy" by becoming more self-reliant.  This would make it easier on me, Lucas, but more importantly, it was necessary as part of his natural development in life - as natural as learning how to walk.  In retrospect, I feel like this was the beginning of the heartbreak.  We had to start doing hard things as we went through these growing pains.  Once Leila arrived, I couldn't take care of Ethan like I used to because I was caring for and nursing Leila.  It was the hardest when Ethan would cry for me at night because he missed mama.  I felt a bit detached from Leila during this time because while she had all the newborn demands, she was not really needing me emotionally.  Meanwhile, her brother had what felt like ALL the emotional needs of the entire world.  It definitely felt like a falling out with my first love.  To the little boy that made me a mom, I had to put his sister's needs before his and surrender his care to his dad.  Lucas is always an amazing dad, but it was less about him, and more about how distant I felt because I couldn't do what I used to do for Ethan.


Over time, I'm trying to find ways to tip toe closer to what we had before.  We had a mommy & son date to watch monster trucks in the biggest stadium in town.  I took him to special parks and desserts when we were back in LA visiting grandparents.  Every day, I'm trying to recognize those little pockets of time where I can be silly with him on the floor or chase him in a race.  His love language is definitely quality time, just like his mama.  Perhaps the more I can connect with his heart and fill our happy tanks, the more I can build our relationship to be even greater than what it used to be.  All I can ask of myself is to take it one day at a time.  Plan the adventures, and hope that he remembers this time as not being in Leila's shadow, but that his mama chose him and will always be his #1 fan.
Labels:

Comments

  1. jenniferJuly 31, 2017 at 9:47:00 AM CDT

    You're such a wonderful mum! Having mummy & son dates are such a great idea.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sacrifice

By
Having a second child has been more difficult for me than expected.  I was not prepared for the heartache of what literally felt like a breaking up or falling out with the love of my life: my first born.  I had not read about this in any blogs, vlogs, or anything.  I mean, I had read about the difficulty of managing your time between two kids, but no one mentioned how difficult it would be to step back from your obsession with your first and only child to love another.  It did make me resent my time alone with Leila a bit in the beginning because that meant Ethan was off having fun with daddy while I was stuck at home sustaining a newborn.  My first love was learning about a life beyond mama.  It felt like knife wounds to the heart.  This is how I came to realize what it really means to sacrifice.  I willingly give up something that I hold so dear and close to my heart for the sake of someone else.  It hurts and it is an uphill battle to try...
Post a Comment
Read more

Subscription Box Loves

By
Ever since becoming a mom, convenience has been the name of the game.  Believe it or not, it's difficult to even find time to get to the market.  Therefore, I'd say about 99% of my shopping happens online now.  Subscription boxes have become a staple for me.  I used to be subscribed to birchbox, the makeup/skincare sample service, but a girl only needs so many sample packets.  Once I found out about these 3 below, I was hooked.     First, is my citrus lane subscription box.  It's a service that delivers stuff that my baby can use.  I should also mention that ever since becoming a mom, I have developed a baby stuff buying addiction.  If there's an AA group for that, I probably should join it.  But, in my defense, if there's something that can help make our lives easier, funner, or smarter for baby, what parent would deny that?  I've gotten 3 boxes so far, and I've really liked/used every item I've received....
1 comment
Read more

For the First Timers

By
My friend Isabel recently asked me about my must haves for new parents, and it inspired me to post about all the things I wish someone told me as a new parent. First, cherish this time that you're welcoming your first child.  It might be your one and only or it might be one of many.  But, it will be a very special time because this child is what makes you a mom for the first time.  I think back on the time when I was caring for Ethan as a baby, and it just seemed so innocent and special then.  Also, you cannot spoil your baby.  Nevermind what parents from an older generation say; It is not possible to spoil a baby.  It's true that the baby will develop habits based on what you do, but there is time later for setting good behaviors. It's true that you don't need a lot to take care of a baby, but there are some things that are around these days that make life a bit easier.  I remember reading Charles Duhigg's "The Power of Habit" book last year and h...
1 comment
Read more