Raising a baby is difficult. It's hands-down, the most difficult job I've ever signed up for. But, with one smile, giggle, or snuggle, and my heart has melted into those little baby hands. Lately, I've often looked at him and wondered, how did you grow up so fast? Why are your baby rolls slowly disappearing? How do you have my eyes? Being a mom is weird. It's like you see yourself in a little human that you've created and raised. At the same time, he's completely his own human with his own little feelings and thoughts. Ethan is constantly on the move these days, ready to explore the world. So, last night, as I was rocking him to sleep for the night, I held him close to me, smelled his babyness, and kissed his cheek; Relishing that moment of him just being a baby for however long he'll let me.
Having a second child has been more difficult for me than expected. I was not prepared for the heartache of what literally felt like a breaking up or falling out with the love of my life: my first born. I had not read about this in any blogs, vlogs, or anything. I mean, I had read about the difficulty of managing your time between two kids, but no one mentioned how difficult it would be to step back from your obsession with your first and only child to love another. It did make me resent my time alone with Leila a bit in the beginning because that meant Ethan was off having fun with daddy while I was stuck at home sustaining a newborn. My first love was learning about a life beyond mama. It felt like knife wounds to the heart. This is how I came to realize what it really means to sacrifice. I willingly give up something that I hold so dear and close to my heart for the sake of someone else. It hurts and it is an uphill battle to try...
Such a touching post. A baby is such a precious gift. Savor the little moments that feel big! :)
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